I Know It’s Not My Fault—So Why Do I Still Feel Like It Is?
Maybe you’ve sat in your therapist’s office and said, “I know my partner loves me,” but each time there is conflict, you brace. Or maybe at a meal with friends, you’ve stated, “I know my parents’ separation was not my fault,” but your stomach drops every time someone is upset with you.
If you’ve ever felt like your body is not getting the memo that your brain figured out years ago, you are not alone. And this is not a helpless situation.
Many people who have experienced extreme or prolonged stress, or a traumatic life experience, can find themselves stuck in the therapeutic gray area where “insight doesn’t equal action.”
Insight vs. Believing
There is a difference for us as humans: we can know something without our body and emotions being on the same page. Think about that age-old question: “head or heart?” The overall goal is to get both of those on the same page, with a mutual understanding.
For example, you may know that you cannot control everything around you, or those around you. And that it isn’t your responsibility to take care of everything.
However, your nervous system disagrees, and oftentimes still reacts as if not having control is unacceptable—as if that is “your job.”
When we get these two experiences to connect, our brain and body can shake hands and say, “Yeah, I’m actually not responsible for keeping the peace at family dinner,” or “If I don’t plan every minute of the vacation, it will be okay,” and feel the physical relief and freedom that truly comes with those realizations.
How Trauma & Stress Shape Our Beliefs
When we are young, we are super egocentric, meaning we:
Cannot fully understand that the world does not revolve around us.
Cannot fully understand that not everything is about us or connected to us.
Therefore, can begin to believe that everything is about us.
This puts us in a place where our forming brain’s “filing cabinet” is organized around self-beliefs, such as “I am fun,” or “I am safe,” or “I can trust myself.”
However, when something extremely distressing or difficult happens to us, our brain can struggle to file it away under those titles, so it creates more core beliefs, such as “I’m not good enough,” “I have to earn love,” “I can’t trust myself,” amongst others.
Despite it working so hard, our brain doesn’t always have the information or experience to separate other people’s behaviors from us. So even if we know “that had nothing to do with me,” our brain may believe that it does because of that survival folder.Now, every time something happens in our adult life that, for some reason, pulls out that “I’m not good enough” folder, we can experience the physical and emotional sensations of that original event all over again.
Negative core beliefs can actually be tied back to different ages and developmental periods. Our negative beliefs become more complex and abstract as we age, just like our brain.
So What Do We Do About That…?
Easier said than done for many of us—but it really is about getting our brain and our body on that same page.
EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is a therapy approach that uses bilateral stimulation—meaning stimulation on both sides of the body—to help the brain process experiences that have become “stuck.”
This can look like following a therapist’s fingers with your eyes, listening to alternating sounds through headphones, or experiencing gentle taps on each side of the body. You remain awake and aware throughout the process, and you are always in control of what you share.
Wait….Mimic Sleep?
EMDR isn’t trying to make you fall asleep or pretend you’re asleep. Rather, EMDR may help bring us toward a similar type of brain processing that shares some similarities with REM sleep—the stage of sleep associated with deeper mental processing, such as memory consolidation, learning, and emotional processing.
During this process, the brain is able to make new connections between different parts of our experiences. Think almost like two experiences shaking hands! This can help connect the adaptive, present-day part of your brain—the part that knows, “I’m safe now, that event is over”—with the trauma networks that may still be stuck in “this will never end.”
As these new connections form, our brain can begin to update old information with newer, more sustainable and adaptive understanding. The memories will not disappear, but they can become less distressing, less emotionally charged, and more clearly set in the past.
In other words, our imaginary little desk manager can finally make sense of that overflowing folder, organize it, and file it away appropriately. Once it finally goes to the archives, it can stop demanding our attention every day.
Our Organized Filing Cabinet
So, our mini manager has filed it away. What does that mean for my body? For my triggers? For my day-to-day life?
As the brain creates new links and connections, those memories can become integrated into the larger story of your life rather than remaining isolated or stuck. This does not just change how we think about an experience—it can change how our body reacts to it as well!
The body can now begin to recognize that the danger is over, even when reminders of the past are present.Our filing cabinet becomes more organized and structured, so when something reminds us of a hard, stressful, or scary experience, our body and brain can recognize, “This happened, and it is over now.” For many, this can feel like an increased sense of acceptance toward the event, new perspectives, and an increased sense of autonomy or agency.
Moving Forward
If you’ve found yourself thinking, “I know this shouldn’t still affect me, so why does it?” you don’t have to figure that out alone.
EMDR is a powerful tool to aid our brain and body in better recognizing that the danger or threat is over, and we don’t need to stay on watch. When that happens, your nervous system can spend less time preparing, and more time feeling present in your life today.
Healing does not mean forgetting the experiences that have shaped us, but remembering without reliving.
Curious if EMDR could be a good fit for you? Reach out to learn more or schedule a consultation.