Together, but Alone. How Did My Relationship Get Here?
Have you noticed the distance growing between you and your partner? Whether this was gradual or sudden, it can feel very stressful and sad. It can leave you feeling lonely, stuck, and directionless with more questions than answers.
Well, it’s very common for relationships to shift through different phases in life. When the shift begins to pull you away from your partner, it could be a sign that you need to pause, check in with your own needs, and address your feelings and concerns with them. As you continue reading this, it may feel as if your relationship is past the point of talking about needs and as if there is a canyon between you and your partner. Regardless of the place you find yourselves in, learning about the following progression from where you started to where you two are now will help you understand how distance forms in relationships and what you can do at each phase to foster reconnection with the person you love.
A Dreamy Beginning
When you start a relationship, you both enter it with your own expectations, hopes, and dreams. It is important to talk with each other early on about your expectations, what you hope to achieve together and individually, and what dreams and aspirations you have for your future as well as the future of your relationship. These conversations are best had when both partners feel grounded and are willing to listen to each other. When you are having conversations at this point it is important that your dreams, hopes, and expectations are validated and supported and that you are also able to support your partner with theirs. But what happens when your dreams and hopes don’t align or aren't supported by your partner? Where does this lead you?
From Hopes & Dreams to Disappointment
When your partner’s hopes, dreams and expectations don’t line up with your own or aren’t given the same level of importance, distance can grow. You may feel worried about your ability to engage with the relationship or if you will be heard when you are vulnerable. Addressing these worries, fears, and anxieties in the moment fosters healthier communication dynamics. We understand that bringing up hard feelings in the moment can be scary. So, one way that couples can begin to have more in-the-moment positive communication is by utilizing a soft start-up. A soft start-up is when one partner brings up a difficult topic or feeling in a gentle loving way that puts emotions at the forefront and not blaming the actions of the other person. This can sound like, “I feel hurt by the distance I’m experiencing and I want to feel more connected” or “I was upset by what was said and want to understand where you were coming from.” By practicing soft start-ups, you are able to use a tone that isn’t critical and emphasizes the love you feel for your partner and the importance of your relationship with them. However, a soft start-up is much more difficult to do when you bottle your emotions. What happens when you bottle up your emotions over time and don’t have soft start-ups with your partner?
Disappointment to Hurt, Betrayal, & Anger
When you bottle up your emotions, you can begin to feel the pressure build up. When you allow what’s hurting to accumulate, you can find yourself reacting from anger more easily. This can look like having a shorter fuse with your partner, bringing up things from the past that have hurt you that went unaddressed and are now popping up in a situation that is independent from the original hurt. This can also lead to both you and your partner engaging with negative affect reciprocity, which is the increase in probability that a person's emotions will be negative right after a partner has exhibited negativity. It is also the most consistent cause of an unsatisfying marriage. Pausing and recognizing where your anger stems from can allow you instead to utilize a positive sentiment override, which allows you to reframe negative responses into something positive or at least neutral. This can sound like “I felt angry when the chores weren’t done, but my anger really stems from a place of feeling hurt and unappreciated. Can we talk about what appreciation looks like for both of us?” It may be difficult to engage with the hurt parts of ourselves, so what happens when we continuously become angry and leave the hurt parts unaddressed?
Stuck Feeling Bitter and Resentful
Bitterness and resentment in a relationship are damaging to connection. When you aren’t able to express empathy or acceptance towards your partner’s actions and words but instead view them through the lenses of bitterness and resentment, you will find yourself further away from your partner and have deeper negative feelings. How you begin to untangle yourself from these negative beliefs is to take ownership of what is in your control. This looks like noticing when that bitterness or resentment comes up, pausing and checking in with what you need in the moment before you talk it out. This can sound like asking yourself “When I am confronted with these words or this situation, I feel bitterness. What would help me to feel safe and secure in this moment?” What happens when you still don't feel security and aren’t able to connect with yourself or when you feel that bitterness has taken such a strong hold of you?
Getting Connected Again
Because no one should feel alone in their relationship.
Just as there was a path that took away your connection with your partner, there is a path back toward closeness: a path towards reconnection. This journey begins by recognizing the distance and beginning to connect back to your own needs, values, and feelings first. You can start addressing them with your partner by using “I statements”. This helps you to convey your feelings and experiences. If you feel unsure of how to start this conversation, utilizing scripts and engaging with speaker-listener techniques provides a communication foundation that you and your partner can build upon. This can look like giving each other space to talk and reflecting on what you hear your partner saying and asking for clarification. This allows for your defensive parts to soften and connections to grow. This path toward reconnection can feel scary and overwhelming and by beginning to connect to ourselves and engage with communication tools at each step of reconnection, we can begin to move away from being together but alone and toward together with connection.
Does this blog hit home for you? It’s time to repair your disconnected relationship. To find out if our programs are right for you, contact us for a free phone consultation. Our team of Certified Sex Addiction Therapists (CSAT) and Certified Partner Trauma Therapists (CPTT) are licensed, experienced, and specifically trained in treating betrayal, trauma, addiction and relationships.
About The Author
Caleigh Koppelmann is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Associate and Certified Partner Trauma Therapist candidate. Caleigh specializes in helping clients heal from betrayal, trauma, and relationship issues. She supports individuals, couple, and families in living truly fulfilled lives.