Co-regulation or Codependency: How To Tell the Difference in Your Relationships
Do you only feel settled when your partner, friend, or loved one is settled or pleased with you?
If they’re anxious or upset, so are you. If they show anger, sadness, anxiety, your whole body feels off. And when they are finally okay, you can finally breathe and rest again. That experience is more common than you think!
As humans, we are built for connection. We are not meant to exist alone or in isolation, we thrive in relationships and community! But how we engage in that connection matters deeply.
Two dynamics exist that can look almost identical but feel immensely different: co-regulation and codependency.
This is not about whether or not we need others, we absolutely do! It is about why, the intention behind our connection, how we do it, and what happens when those are not met.
What is Co-regulation?
Co-regulation can be defined in many ways depending on the lens you’re looking through, but at its core, it is a process where one calm, regulated being aids in soothing another individual through their calm presence.
Let’s break that down a little bit…
It’s a process.
Co-regulation is not something we can simply turn “on” or “off”. It is an ongoing shift, or process, it is dynamic and responsive!
Think about a time you tried to comfort someone. Your presence alone was not immediately enough to instantly calm or soothe them. It probably took some time, a couple minutes, oftentimes longer, for your presence, voice, speech, body language, and overall interactions to help guide them back down to a settled state.
That is this process in action.
It involves “beings”.
No, I am not talking about intergalactic friends. More often than not, we are co-regulating with friends and family, humans!
But it does not just stop there, co-regulation can occur with animals, or even comfort objects like a favorite stuffed animal or blanket! (Yes, this absolutely counts and you can absolutely use this as your justification for wanting another pet.)
It requires regulation
Regulation refers to our ability to move between heightened states (like stress or anxiety, think fight or flight) and calmer ones (like safe or grounded, think rest and digest).
In co-regulation, one person’s calm presence helps another person shift out of distress. This usually looks like being with someone who is nurturing, warm, open, and stable with us in those moments of “AHHHHH!”. My brain says, “wait, they aren’t freaking out…maybe I don’t need to be either.”
Why Co-regulation Matters
For many of us, co-regulation is where regulation begins.
As infants, a calming, soothing presence is relied on. Over time, those experiences teach us to soothe ourselves, a little bit of “monkey see, monkey do”, if you will. If those experiences were inconsistent, stressful, overwhelming, or absent, we may have learned different patterns of responding to stress or emotion. But those learned patterns are not permanent!
With awareness and supportive relationships, as well as professional guidance, new ways of relating and responding can be welcomed into our lives and bodies.
Key Features of Co-regulation
It is mutual: we both give and receive support when the time is right
It is temporary: we borrow stability until we can access our own again. We do not rely upon another’s stability for our own
It feels restorative
There is attunement: we feel understood and seen by the other person
There is predictability and safety
What Is Codependency?
While co-regulation and codependency can look really similar, and eventimes feel really similar, there are a few key differences that differentiate the two.
Codependency within a relational context can be defined as: a relational dynamic where an individual sacrifices or abandons their own needs and well-being in devotion or in sacrifice for another's. It involves organizing oneself around someone else, where there is a one-directional imbalance of priority.
While it is often a term utilized to describe individuals who are in relationships, codependency stems from life experiences of neglect, abuse, and instability, and can also be seen with substances, work, relationships, and parent-child dynamics. Where co-regulation offers connection, the goal of codependency is often to manage immediate anxiety.
Key Features of Codependency
Your well-being feels dependent upon another's
There is self-abandonment (your needs come last or secondary)
Your mood is dictated by someone else’s state
When things are “good” or “calm” you may feel temporary relief
It oftentimes feels draining, consuming or destabilizing
Where They Overlap - and Where They Don’t
As I said earlier, they can look really similar from the outside, and they may even feel confusing from the inside if we have not experienced the difference! Let's walk through some of the similarities and differences of these relational patterns.
Similarities:
Both involve turning towards others for emotional support
Both can bring a sense of relief
Differences:
Co-regulation…
Helps you feel more like you
Support is reciprocal
Separation is hard, but manageable
Leaves you feeling grounded and restored
Codependency…
Leaves you feeling drained, anxious and disconnected
Support is imbalanced or one-directional
Separation feels like crisis
Co-regulation in Adulthood
While co-regulation tends to be discussed in the context of early life experiences, it continues to play a key role in adult relationships and well-being.
Healthy, supportive relationships help build resiliency over time, which through repeated experiences can translate into an improved ability to self-soothe (aka I can calm myself down now!).
In real life, this may look like:
Learning to calm or soothe yourself after being offered support
Carrying those skills into parenting or other relationships
An ability to feel stable or secure when others are not
How Do I Decipher Where I Am?
It can be challenging to decode relationships when we are in them, especially if certain patterns feel familiar!
If you notice some codependent tendencies in yourself, first, can you respond with compassion? The relief that this dynamic brings is still real, and awareness is simply the first step towards choice.
Here are some questions you can begin to ask yourself and investigate:
Do I feel I have a clear sense of self, separate from this person?
Do I receive support in this relationship, or mostly provide it?
Is there flexibility, or does everything feel high-stakes or crisis level?
Can I stay grounded when the other person cannot or is not?
If the answers that came up felt uncertain, or leaning towards “no”, it may point towards some codependent patterns.
That does not mean something is wrong with you, or even that the relationship is doomed! It may simply provide us information that there is room for realignment and support so that we can show up in a more balanced, restorative way in our relationships and interactions.
How Do I Begin to Shift?
Moving away from codependency is not about disconnecting, it is about becoming available for healthier connection.
1. Work with a Professional
Codependency often stems from past experiences like trauma, neglect, or instability. A therapist or trained professional can provide a safe space to explore these patterns safely.
2. Strengthen Self-Soothing Skills
When someone else is distress, can you begin to practice staying grounded, present:
Slow your breathing
Notice the body
Anchor yourself in the present moment
This will allow us to remain accessible to our right-here-right-now and all the tools that come with that! You are capable!
3. Establish Boundaries
Boundaries help define what is yours, and what is not!
Boundaries allow us to:
Honor our needs
Stay connected without overextending or exhausting ourselves
Build connections that are balanced and sustainable
Moving Forward
We are meant to connect with each other. When we do, we open ourselves to a world of new ideas, insights, connections, and experiences. The goal is not to shut those things off or down, the goal is simply to be able to protect ourselves from when connection is not safe, or when it does not serve us.
Co-regulation is a tool, an opportunity for replenishing ourselves. Like any tool, we must understand how to properly use it. When we learn to lean into connection from a place of security instead of need, we can harness the power of connection. We can see and feel the difference of connection when we stop outsourcing and overextending, and begin enriching and fostering. The difference between co-regulation and codependence is not the depth of the bond, it is the foundation it's built on.