The Desire Dilemma
Kelly and Steve are a couple that are incredibly in love. They met on a blind date right after college and felt themselves click instantly. They liked the same movies, the same music, and really connected over their dislike of the pretentious waiter who kept pronouncing amusebouche wrong. Kelly and Steve’s emotional connection easily led into a physical one. Sex felt fun and new with one another. The excitement of young love made everything fall into place without even trying.
Fast forward 10 years…
Kelly and Steve are married and have a two year old. Life has only gotten better everywhere except for their sex life. Slowly overtime it became less and less of a priority. Steve would ask, but Kelly would be so exhausted from the day she would say no. Kelly would feel the pressure of letting Steve down, but couldn’t overcome the feeling that she just wasn’t up for it. Steve eventually stopped asking, Kelly stopped offering, and they found themselves in a non-sexual relationship.
They are still very much in love, but their sex life seems to be stuck. This story may be made up, but it is not an uncommon one.
The Paradox of Intimacy
The truth that a lot of us know — but few can put into words — is that intimacy is full of paradoxes. One intimacy paradox is when couples feel in alignment and connected with their sex life. Healthy sex only accounts for 15-20% of relationship satisfaction. Meaning, 80-85% of what makes a couple feel happy with one another has nothing to do with sex at all!
However, when couples feel misaligned with intimacy it can account for much higher levels of relationship dissatisfaction. This leads to the importance of treating intimate discrepancies with a lot of tender love and care.
One common place couples often find a discrepancy is with desire. The huge paradox with desire is that it is the most important aspect of healthy sexual relationships, but is also the most common place to get out of sync with your partner.
The Desire Discrepancy: A Deep Dive
When you’re experiencing a “desire discrepancy” it means you and your partner feel mismatched in your levels of sexual desire.
The timeline leading to this often mirrors Kelly and Steve’s story. You likely went through what is called the Limerence Phase —a period of 6 months to 2 years where you feel strong feelings of romantic love and likely engaged in passionate sex. This is also commonly referred to as the “Honeymoon Phase”.
This phase is powerful but fragile. Often we think this phase will last forever, and don’t realize that maintaining sexual desire takes intention and action. With time, sex becomes functional — aka, it’s not terrible, but doesn’t feel inviting or energizing. As the predictability of sex increases, the anticipation of it starts to become more negative rather than positive. Eventually, one or both of you find yourselves avoiding sex because it feels more stressful rather than enjoyable.
But here’s the good news: there are so many things couples can explore to understand what might be driving that lack of desire.
Stepping on The Gas
So, what are the things that can help or hurt sexual desire?
Factors that can improve feelings of desire we often call “gas pedals” - as in, they get the good feels going!
Common Gas Pedals are:
Positive anticipation
Emotional connection
Having a freedom of choice
Feeling like a team
Factors that can decrease feelings of desire we call “brake pedals” - meaning, they can stop sexual desire in its tracks.
Common Brake Pedals include:
Worry about what can go wrong
Pressure to perform
Anger, Shame, Coercion
Getting sucked into a routine
Feeling emotionally disconnected or unseen
Even these factors can pose challenges for couples. We have to find a balance between being a sexual team, while also maintaining that we are each individually responsible for our own desire needs.
We need to value physical intimacy as a meaningful part of our relationship, but not put too much pressure on it. Sex has to be common enough that it doesn’t fall out of routine, but it can’t be so routine that it doesn’t spark excitement. There are so many traps to fall into… it’s no wonder this is such a common issue we can struggle with!
When Misunderstanding Enters The Bedroom
Another balancing act we have to navigate is understanding the difference between responsive and spontaneous desire. When you and your partner misunderstand these differences or assume you experience desire in the same way, it can lead you to feeling confused, frustrated or disconnected.
Let’s take a closer look:
Spontaneous desire is often what we most commonly think of when we think about sexual desire:
You have an automatic feeling of wanting connection with our partner via sex
Some people might also refer to this feeling as “horniness”
You feel like sex is something you are looking forward to
You don’t have to try very hard to “get in the mood”
If you are the partner that experiences a higher drive for physical intimacy, you are likely the partner that experiences more spontaneous desire.
Responsive desire is a bit different:
You may have more of a reaction to your partner's touch rather than feelings of “horniness”
You often don’t feel a proactive drive for sex
You might experience some shame because you feel like something is “wrong” with you for not experiencing spontaneous desire.
When spontaneous and responsive partners misread each other, they can unintentionally reinforce feelings of inadequacy or rejection. The spontaneous partner might fear they’re not desirable, while the responsive partner might feel broken. That shame becomes a major brake pedal to desire.
The Great Tradeoff: Emotional or Erotic?
Finally, all couples have to find the balance between emotional intimacy and eroticism. It is common in our work to see one person craving more emotional connection, while the other person is fighting for more eroticism. Eroticism involves taking emotional and sexual risks — being creative, mysterious, playful and lustful.
You might find yourself stuck in a stalemate where you worry that: to have more of one, is to lose some of the other.
Couples often struggle to find the balance where they can complement each other instead of battling with one another. However, too much emotional intimacy OR too much eroticism can also hurt sexual desire.
When there is too much focus on emotional intimacy you can start to treat your partner like a friend or family member, instead of your significant other. When there is too much of a focus on eroticism it can turn sex into a performance or something to prove.
The most successful couples who find themselves in alignment with their desire find a way to integrate emotional intimacy and eroticism equally into their relationship.
Is It Just Us?
One thing many people don’t know: 1 in 5 married couples report being non-sexual (meaning they are sexual less than 10 times per year).
Can you imagine an issue that affects at least 20 percent of the population and yet isn’t common knowledge?
It’s so common that many couples I work with tell me they feel completely alone in their struggle with desire. That feeling of isolation often leads to shame, criticizing yourself, and can act as a roadblock to getting help. However the most effective solution for desire discrepancy is couples therapy.
In couples therapy, couples can start practicing skills to improve comfort, attraction, trust and identifying needs. Sex shouldn’t be a stressor, it should be something to offer you relief.
Let us help you and your partner find that again.
To find out if our programs are right for you, contact us for a free phone consultation. Our team of Certified Sex Addiction Therapists (CSAT) and Certified Partner Trauma Therapists (CPTT) are licensed, experienced, and specifically trained in treating betrayal, trauma, addiction and relationships.
About the Author
Molly Morrow is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Molly helps individuals, couples, and families look at relational patterns, get in touch with their needs, and reach your goals for building connection.