Who is In Control? Understanding Your Partner's Sex Addiction
You just found out that your partner has been struggling with some form of sex or pornography addiction. Along with feelings of hurt or betrayal, you probably have a million questions as both of you try to grasp what this means. A host of feelings and associations can come up when we hear the word “addiction”. Although it can be difficult to accept at first, once addiction is identified, it’s an important step in your partner’s journey towards healing and taking ownership of their life choices.
You may have started researching on your own to learn what causes an addiction, what it looks like, and how to get support for recovery and relationship repair.
First, recognize that your relationship and experiences are unique and should be processed as such. There’s no one answer that will apply to everyone. Resources such as trained therapists are available for supporting both you and your partner in your individual reactions, and with helping couples in similar situations to find a path forward through the recovery process.
The Blow of Discovery
The betrayal side of addiction can be so painful for you as the partner, especially if you find yourself now questioning things you didn’t before and struggling to trust yourself as a result. Interactions with your partner can become less triggering and more healing when they begin to address their addiction by practicing consistent integrity and accountability.
You might have questions about whether this was your partner’s choice or if their addiction has spiraled out of their control. If you’re looking for a place to start to grasp an understanding of sex addiction, here is some general information that may be helpful.
The Impact of Addictive Betrayal
Sex addiction can lead to behaviors that compromise the values of a relationship and violate trust with a partner. When sex addiction develops, you as the partner will likely feel unsafe, devastated, and a loss of trust. The behaviors your partner has been using to numb can feel personal and threaten your sense of identity and worth. It’s important to know that even though your sense of betrayal, confusion, or anger is very real, your partner’s behaviors are not a reflection of you. If you notice yourself struggling with feelings of self blame or guilt around not knowing what your partner was engaging in during their deception, it’s a good idea to process this with your own therapist (specifically someone who is trained in relationship betrayal).
Understanding The Addictive Cycle
Have you ever done something you were so ashamed of or embarrassed about that you avoided telling anyone what happened? Addiction thrives in this kind of shame. Especially when the person with a sex addiction imagines how their partner might respond if they found out some of the things they’ve done.
An addiction cycle usually starts with a person’s belief system. This could involve any number of negative beliefs or messages they’ve learned about themselves or their ability to handle life. Belief systems then lead to thoughts that try to “justify” acting out. Repetition of the behavior over time strengthens the brain’s neural pathways that link an addiction with feelings of pleasure or satisfaction. This causes the person to feel the need for more and more of that stimulus. However, feelings of shame, despair, and regret often follow acting out behaviors, and can become so unmanageable and uncomfortable that it actually leads to more negative beliefs about self and a continuation of the cycle.
Each person with a sex addiction is going to have their own experience of the addiction cycle, including the beliefs, thoughts, behavioral patterns, and accompanying feelings. Individual traumas and value systems can play a role in this as well. The fact that so much of this cycle is complex and subconscious is one of the many reasons specialized therapy is vital to targeting problematic beliefs and patterns in order to begin rewiring one’s brain to new, healthy patterns.
No one can manage this alone, and as a partner, you have every right to desire and expect ownership and consistent recovery work from your partner.
Is Addiction Controlling My Partner?
So—does your partner have a choice about their addictive behaviors or is it completely out of their control?
First, your partner is responsible for their choices, just as anyone is responsible for the actions they take. Even if the behavior feels unmanageable, everyone has the power to choose if they are going to hide and deceive or confront a problem head-on.
It is completely fair to feel angry if your partner has lied or withheld information that impacted your safety. You deserve truth and integrity. At the same time, exiting an addictive cycle can be a complex process and something few of us can manage alone through sheer willpower. So, your partner is responsible for:
Recognizing their limitations, and
Getting (and applying) specialized help to manage problematic behaviors to a level that’s safe for the relationship.
This can be a messy process - their instincts and brain wiring will likely continue to send strong signals to act out when life gets tough or when shame takes hold. The strong neural pathways developed in addiction can be difficult to interrupt (particularly at first), but it is not impossible. With a strong treatment plan, supportive community, and true desire for change, anyone can make the choice to move in the direction of long-term recovery and sobriety.
It’s important that both of you get the right resources and support to navigate this challenging time, including a specialized therapist for each of you, a healthy support group, and safe people in your life that you can trust to help with accountability and support. Even if your partner doesn’t have a formal “addiction” but has been struggling with compulsive, deceitful behaviors, taking the step to seek help from trained professionals is the best place to start the process of long-term healing that you both deserve.
To find out if our programs are right for you, contact us for a free phone consultation. Our team of Certified Sex Addiction Therapists (CSAT) and Certified Partner Trauma Therapists (CPTT) are licensed, experienced, and specifically trained in treating betrayal, trauma, addiction and relationships.
About The Author
Naomi Kennedy is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Associate and a CSAT Candidate. She helps individuals uncover the underlying roots of their struggles in order to authentically reconnect with themselves.