You’re Not Broken: The Myth of Needing to Be “Fixed”
Have you ever caught yourself thinking, “Why am I like this?”
Or felt a quiet fear that therapy might reveal something “wrong” with you?
Many people come into therapy convinced there’s a part of them that is broken. They may notice a pattern they can’t shake, a reaction they can’t explain, or sense a version of themselves they’re ashamed of. Others avoid therapy altogether out of fear that it means admitting they are defective.
It makes total sense that we feel this way. Our culture sends constant messages that if you’re not thriving in every area — relationships, work, parenting, self-care — then you must be doing life “wrong.” And on top of that, we live in a world of quick fixes: overnight shipping, cosmetic procedures, hacks, shortcuts, and endless promises of instant transformation. These instant solutions teach us that if something feels off, – we must fix it, and fix it fast.
But when it comes to human beings, the idea of being “fixed” doesn’t just fall short, it keeps us stuck.
Why “Fixing” Falls Short
1. “Fixed” implies a final, unchanging state, and humans don’t work that way.
While people often use the word “fix” to mean self-improvement, the word itself suggests something stagnant and immovable. To be “fixed” implies a finished, stationary state; however, to be a human is to be layered, multifaceted, and constantly shifting.
The human experience is anything but a fixed state. We build new routines, face challenges, lose what feels stable and secure, and then create brand new ways forward, over and over again. Life asks us to shift, stretch, and rebuild ourselves constantly.
Healing requires flexibility, not finality.
2. The “fixed vs. broken” mindset fuels shame.
Using this terminology places us in a binary bind: fixed or broken. When healing takes time, it can be easy to slide into a “damaged” mindset, seeing all that is not right rather than appreciating the growth that has already happened. This can amplify shame and self-criticism, especially when life or therapy doesn’t provide quick solutions.
3. Fixing encourages avoidance and defensiveness.
Seeing ourselves as broken can make us passive in our own healing. When we fall into defensiveness, avoidance or even shame, it is much harder to stay open, reflective and active in our healing. We may rely entirely on a therapist, partner, or other external source to “fix” us, rather than tapping into our own inner resources. Shifting away from this mentality toward a compassionate, growth-oriented mindset allows us to reconnect with our strengths and create meaningful, lasting change.
Beyond Fixing: Finding Meaning
Therapy isn’t about repairing what’s “wrong.” It’s about slowing down, getting curious, and discovering new meaning to create sustainable, authentic change. When we label ourselves as broken, we reinforce limiting stories. But by cultivating curiosity and compassion, we can start to see those same parts of ourselves as meaningful, protective, and worthy of understanding.
Therapists do provide tools and strategies, but the work is not about quick fixes. True growth comes from collaborative dialogue and curiosity, from exploring what your thoughts, feelings, and patterns are trying to communicate.
A Not-Knowing Stance in Therapy
While therapists bring the training, you remain the expert of your own life. A not-knowing stance simply means we meet our experiences with curiosity instead of judgement. This approach allows both therapist and client to explore what patterns or discomfort might be communicating, and discover meaning as we go, rather than rushing to define, fix, or judge them.
Not-knowing invites multiple perspectives and truths. For example:
“Yes, this hurts, but it has also shaped me.”
“Yes, this part of me feels heavy, but it also carries resilience.”
“The way I’m reacting is confusing and not like me – I wonder where this is coming from.”
This perspective fosters acceptance and nurturance, rather than attempting to erase parts of ourselves through a “fix it” mindset.
How to Apply a Not-Knowing Stance in Your Life
In a culture that teaches us to be quick with judgment, adopting a not-knowing stance offers a slower, more compassionate approach to yourself. It teaches us to meet thoughts, feelings, and behaviors with curiosity rather than critique. For example, instead of labeling one of your behaviors with judgment or criticism, say “why might I be responding this way? What needs are going unmet?”
Over time, this mindset becomes a life skill, opening you up to growth, uncertainty, and lasting change.
Benefits of slowing down and choosing curiosity over critique:
Reducing shame and guilt
Encouraging growth and learning
Reducing self-judgment and anxiety
Increasing humility
Building authenticity
Shifting from a “broken or fixed” mindset to one of curiosity and self-compassion makes room for discovery. It allows mistakes, growth, and deeper connection with yourself. These are the true foundations of healing.
Moving Forward with Compassion
Healing isn’t about perfection. It’s about curiosity, self-compassion, and authentic connection. By stepping out of the fixed/broken binary, we create space to explore what truly feels aligned and meaningful in our lives.