What your Emotions Are Telling You After Betrayal

You recently found out that your partner has been keeping something from you that is so painful you aren’t even sure what to make of it yet. A hundred emotions take hold at once, pulling you in different directions and disorienting your reality. Maybe you immediately feel intense levels of hurt… or maybe you just feel numb. There may be a sense of relief because now you know that there have been factors at play causing the relationship to struggle — or maybe it’s the opposite and you feel completely blindsided. 

Regardless, it is completely normal to experience so many conflicting emotions in response to betrayal trauma. You may not feel like yourself right now, and that makes sense given what you’ve just discovered. Here are some (but not all) common emotional reactions to this kind of trauma:

• Shock

• Anger

• Sadness

• Grief

• Fear and hypervigilance

• Confusion

• Shame

• Embarrassment

• Devastation

• Disorientation

• Hurt

• Resentment

• Contempt

• Worry for the future

• Anxiety

• Disgust

• Despair

• Self-doubt or self-blame

• Rage

• Disbelief

• Numbness

Emotions as Cues

Some of these emotions might come as a surprise, so when you’re at this point, be aware of what your emotions might be telling you. You might notice that within the same day, you range from feeling intense anger toward your partner to feeling deeply sad and grieving the loss of the relationship you knew. Maybe you fear now that betrayal will happen again and this mixes with complex feelings of shame, or maybe you’re blaming yourself for some part of what has happened. It’s overwhelming to experience so many strong emotions at once, but each emotion has a specific purpose in helping you to get through this crisis.

Take a moment to pause and recognize that your brain and body are doing their job in trying to help you process a lot of change. It can be helpful to work with a specialized therapist to reframe your emotions as cues or signals of what actions to take next. You might even notice that when you see the feelings as functional rather than controlling, it helps you take back that sense of control and direction as you navigate this rollercoaster. Here are some examples of how you might begin to view your emotions differently:

• Shock/numbness: This state can protect you from feeling too much pain at once. Your nervous system may be signaling that you need to pause and take in what you can while your reality catches up. It’s okay to take a step back and recognize that healing from trauma takes time.

• Anger: When someone has completely betrayed your trust, it destroys the reality you knew, so it’s natural to feel a sense of injustice and violation. Anger can mobilize you towards advocating for your needs, recognizing which boundaries have been violated, and what kind of space you need in order to rebuild trust.

• Sadness/Grief: You have most certainly experienced significant losses in your relationship as a result of the betrayal. Understand that grieving and missing the relationship as you knew it is important and honors the significance of what you have lost.

• Fear and hypervigilance: These can manifest as “safety-seeking” behaviors. Fears can come about as a result of violated trust and help highlight the need for re-establishing a sense of emotional safety and security. Listen to what these feelings teach you about your needs, boundaries, and values so you can learn to protect your safety and needs. 

• Confusion: It’s normal to feel bouts of confusion, especially if your partner has been or is continuing to deceive you in order to hide their behavior. Feeling confused can let you know it’s time to pause and assess the situation to find out what more information you need. Many betrayed partners find that because of so much deception and hidden truths, they need a structured full disclosure from their partner to re-access truth and reality.

• Shame or embarrassment: Many betrayed partners feel shame when they think things like “I should have known” or “Why didn’t I realize this was happening?”. You might also feel a sense of embarrassment about what others may think if they were to find out. Although this is common, it is not a reason to blame yourself for the betrayal. If you are experiencing shame, you are not alone, and this is something to address with a therapist who is sensitive to the nature of betrayal trauma.

Responding to Anger

Many feel shame around their anger or have learned it’s not an appropriate emotion. It can be difficult to know how to respond to strong feelings of anger, rage, and resentment, especially if those feelings weren’t normalized in childhood or if you were never taught how to respond to them safely.

If you find it difficult to express or even recognize your anger, remember that we all experience anger as a part of being human — without it, we become stuck in our grief. Acknowledging some anger might help you to become more assertive in ways you need right now to advocate for yourself. There is a difference between experiencing your anger and responding to it in ways that are harmful.

If you’re someone who feels consumed or controlled by anger or rage, know that it’s valid to have those feelings, but it’s important to find healthy ways of expressing them. Look for ways of responding that feel true to your authentic self and do not cause harm to others or make things worse in the long run.

Try to recognize what comes up for you when you experience anger and approach it with some curiosity instead of shame or impulsivity. Reach out for help from a therapist and a healthy support group who can also help you to discover what is underneath your anger and respond with more clarity.

Taking Action

If you’ve been able to identify some underlying needs while reading these descriptions, the next step is to make a plan for attending to those needs. Here are some ideas of healthy coping strategies you may consider starting:

Journaling and writing down boundaries/specific needs

• Setting aside time to process grief

• Reaching out to a support system of trusted others and joining a healthy support group so you are not alone in exploring these complex emotions

• Mindfully taking space and pausing throughout the day to notice emotions and where they are felt in the body

There’s empowerment in allowing emotions to work for you and not against you. You can start the healing process and begin to recognize ways your emotions help you to determine your boundaries, clarify your values, and get the support system in place that you need.

Betrayal trauma has undoubtedly damaged your sense of trust at this time, but learning from your emotions is a key part of the process of rebuilding trust in yourself. Look for ways to process your feelings in the right setting and know that you are not alone in your struggles - there is support available to you and others who have been on a similar path.

Are you finding it difficult to process your emotions after a betrayal? To find out if our programs are right for you, contact us for a free phone consultation. Our team of Certified Sex Addiction Therapists (CSAT) and Certified Partner Trauma Therapists (CPTT) are licensed, experienced, and specifically trained in treating betrayal, trauma, addiction and relationships.

About The Author

Naomi Kennedy is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Associate and a CSAT Candidate. She helps individuals uncover the underlying roots of their struggles in order to authentically reconnect with themselves.