Repetitive and Relentless: Gaining control of Those Intrusive Thoughts
The scene around Avery comes back into focus. “Sorry, what did you ask?” she quirks her head toward her husband, who has been trying to get her attention for who knows how long. She offers a small, reparative smirk but quickly turns back inward, frustrated with how much time she spends in her own head.
For months now, Justin has noticed himself zoning out. He has been tuning out conversations, hobbies, and even away from friends and family. His mind feels hijacked by the replay of an uncomfortable scene from a movie. No matter how he tries to distract himself, the churn of thoughts pulls him back in, “that won’t happen to me right?”.
Maya stares at her desktop, analyzing that same conversation with her coworker, searching for hidden cues or alternate meanings. Anything, ANYTHING that might explain how it escalated or why it left her feeling so unsettled. When she can’t find answers, the questions turn inward: “Should I have backed off? Did I say something wrong? Is there something wrong with me? Why can’t I stop thinking about this?”
Do you feel yourself connecting to any of these pieces or inner dialogues? In each of these situations, the individuals are being consumed, overwhelmed and preoccupied by thoughts that may not be based in reality. Their wheels are spinning over and over again, causing panic, exhaustion, or helplessness. The inability to separate oneself from these thoughts is a common experience for many individuals and are commonly known as intrusive thoughts or, as I call them, “sticky” thoughts.
What Are Intrusive Thoughts?
Intrusive thoughts are thoughts or images characterized as unwanted, persistent, and distressing. These thoughts or images have often been attempted to be distracted from or rid of by the individual experiencing them, but may persist despite our best efforts!
Imagine starting a new job. Each time you complete a task given to you that you feel confidence in, your boss leans over your shoulder and simply asks “Are you sure this is correct” or “Is that how you do it?”. At first it may have been easy to brush off, you are confident in your abilities for these tasks. However, after a while, the comments keep coming and you begin to doubt yourself. You find yourself constantly second-guessing your work, hesitating before turning things in, and replaying your steps over and over, questioning things you once knew for certain,
Intrusive thoughts can feel a lot like having someone quietly questioning you in the background. Unlike a workplace, we can’t necessarily clock out of our own minds. So how does this affect us over time?
How Do Intrusive Thoughts Affect Our Functioning?
Intrusive or “sticky” thoughts occupy a lot of our brain space, making it hard for us to concentrate on daily tasks, relationships, and/or ourselves. When we are so busy questioning “Is that going to be me”, “What can I do to stop this”, “Am I totally certain that I completed this task”, etc., we do not have much mental capacity for connecting with partners, children, coworkers, friends, or our own needs. Think back to Avery, who had to be reengaged with her husband, or Justin who could not concentrate on his hobbies. When our thoughts consume our time, our connections and methods of self-care take a back seat.
Additionally, these thoughts can promote shame, or fear. Many of these thoughts may sound like:
- I should have…
- I wish I…
- Did I do _____ enough….
- Am I _____ enough…
- What can I do to ensure…
- How can I control….
Notice that many of these sentence stems bring questioning to who you are, what you have done, or what you can do. These thoughts promote a questioning of self-worth and identity.
What Can I Do To Unstick?
Working on intrusive or “sticky” thoughts means learning to acknowledge their presence without judgement, while gently working towards grounding ourselves in reality and practicing ways to retrain our minds toward more grounded patterns of thought.
The first step toward becoming unstuck is remembering that thoughts are just thoughts. Having them doesn’t mean they’re true, that you’ll act on them, or that they define who you are. Offering yourself compassion in these moments can help you step back, notice the thought for what it is, and remind yourself that it doesn’t reflect your worth.
Moving forward, we can work to retrain our mental pathways to healthier ways of thinking, ways that affirm our self-worth, knowledge, skills, connections, and more. When we can differentiate thoughts grounded in reality between those based in anxiety, we can separate our actions and future steps more intentionally.
Think back to the feeling of being questioned after completing a task. Imagine that the next time those doubts show up – that little voice asking “Are you sure about that?”, that you were able to pause and recognize:
I did the best I could do on this task
This questioning does not erase my effort or the skills I used
In this moment you may also try to ground yourself in reality:
1. What evidence do I have, beside my worry, that shows this is not good enough?
2. What evidence do I have that this is good – that I am sure? 3. What do I know to be true, even in the presence of doubt?
By grounding yourself in facts and compassion you can begin to see the difference between these thoughts and the reality in front of you. With continued efforts, training our minds can lead to quicker differentiation that leads to returning to clarity faster, paving way for more connection, balance, and grounding.
To find out if our programs are right for you, contact us for a free phone consultation. Our team of Certified Sex Addiction Therapists (CSAT) and Certified Partner Trauma Therapists (CPTT) are licensed, experienced, and specifically trained in treating betrayal, trauma, addiction and relationships.
About The Author
Caroline Tumulty-Ollemar is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Associate currently working toward EMDR certification. She is dedicated to helping individuals better understand the parts of themselves they often criticize, and supports them in rewiring their brains to restore a sense of calm, safety, and trust.