Why Unfinished Stories Haunt Us: How Therapy Can Help You Heal
Have you ever noticed how the unfinished seems to stick in your mind longer? Maybe it’s a conversation that didn’t go how you hoped, a text you never got a response to, or a life event that still feels unresolved.
It’s not just you — it’s the psychological phenomenon called the Zeigarnik Effect.
What is the Zeigarnik Effect?
Russian psychologist Bluma Zeigarnik, while sitting in a busy restaurant in Vienna, noticed that waiters could recall unpaid orders with incredible accuracy. But once an order was completed and paid for, the memory faded. The brain, it seems, holds onto what’s unresolved.
Unfinished tasks can cause stress and make it hard to disconnect from the stressor, causing anxiety and overthinking. Lingering thoughts about incomplete tasks or thoughts can interrupt sleep. If you are at work and constantly remembering unfinished work, you may become distracted by all the task switching.
This psychological phenomenon also happens emotionally. When something difficult or traumatic happens and we don’t have a chance to fully process it, it lingers. It loops in the background of our minds, popping up at unexpected times and making it hard to feel at peace.
Why It Feels So Hard To “Let Go”
When something important is left unresolved, your mind holds onto it. Your brain is saying, “Hey, don’t forget this, we still need to make sense of it.” For example:
You keep replaying an argument or painful event
You can’t stop asking “Why did this happen?”
You feel stuck in indecision about a relationship
You’re overwhelmed by emotions that don’t seem to “go away”
This is especially common after betrayal, trauma, or major unresolved issues. If the story doesn’t feel finished, your mind keeps it active — often leading to anxiety, restlessness, and even trouble sleeping.
How Do I Finish the Story?
That’s where therapy comes in.
In therapy, you’re given space to tell your story — not just the facts of what happened, but how it made you feel, what it meant to you, and how it’s impacted your life. When you do this with a supportive guide, you begin to close the loops that have been left open in your mind.
For example, EMDR is especially powerful because of its unique capability to provide closure to interrupted traumatic recollections. It gives you the chance to reprocess difficult memories and move from emotional chaos to calm clarity.
Similarly, Narrative Therapy helps clients understand and reframe their experiences in a way that allows them to make sense of events that feel confusing or painful. A therapist helps the client deconstruct their story into smaller, more manageable parts to clarify and make sense of their experience.
Even something as simple as journaling or speaking your truth aloud in a safe space can be a powerful starting point.
Why This Matters in Relationships: Infidelity & Betrayal
Maybe one person knows more details than the other. Maybe there have been staggered disclosures, where bits of information are revealed slowly over time, destroying trust and continually hurting the betrayed partner. Maybe trust was broken, but the whole truth still hasn’t been processed. For a betrayed partner, the idea of leaving or staying becomes an unfinished task, causing stress, and can lead to symptoms of PTSD as a result of the betrayal.
This can leave both people feeling anxious, stuck, or like they’re going in circles. Therapy helps bring the whole story into the light, so it can finally be understood, and healing can begin.
In a guided disclosure, the betraying partner reads a specifically structured letter, written with their therapist, detailing the full truth to their partner, outlining their betrayal and full infidelity for their partner, and offering a chance to finish the story. The betraying partner gets a chance to find closure, process the roots of their behavior, and begin correcting maladaptive patterns. The betrayed partner is offered a full account of the truth and an opportunity to put together the narrative.
It’s natural to wonder: Won’t disclosure reopen old wounds? What if it causes more damage?
Disclosure has the potential to reopen wounds, to uncover unprocessed emotions, and bring out all of the fears and feelings that make you scared to talk about it. With the help of trusted professionals, who are able to help clients ground, stay in the present moment, and process their emotions, the disclosure process becomes a safe place to share the story. The disclosure process provides the opportunity for these old wounds to properly heal.
You’re Not “Too Much” — You’re Just Unfinished
It’s easy to feel like you’re overreacting or being too sensitive when you keep thinking about something painful. But in reality, your brain is doing exactly what it’s supposed to do: it’s trying to help you find closure. This unfinished processing is a huge part of the symptoms of multiple emotional disorders, including Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), and Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD).
As humans, we are meaning-seeking creatures. We want to understand how and why something occurred, and that is how we try to make sense of it.
Therapy doesn’t erase what happened — but it helps you rewrite the story in a way that feels true, honest, and empowering. When learning distress tolerance skills, one main takeaway is the acceptance of reality — that life as it is, in that moment, can be painful and accepted. To sit in non-acceptance, to move out of suffering, is to accept the possibility of moving forward.
Simple Steps You Can Take Today
You don’t need to wait until you’re in crisis to start processing. Here are a few ways to begin closing emotional loops:
Journaling at the end of each day — even a few sentences can help
Writing a letter to someone (you don’t need to send it!)
Find a Therapist: start telling your story
Join a Support Group: find validation from shared experiences
Name defining moments that shaped you
And most importantly — being kind to yourself as you work through it.
Final Thought: Closure Isn’t Given — It’s Created
In a perfect world, the person who hurt you would apologize, explain everything, and help you heal. But real life doesn’t always give us clean endings. Waiting for someone else to give you closure can keep you stuck.
Therapy helps you take back your power — to process pain, finish the story, and write a new chapter on your terms. Because you deserve that.
To find out if our programs are right for you, contact us for a free phone consultation. Our team of Certified Sex Addiction Therapists (CSAT) and Certified Partner Trauma Therapists (CPTT) is licensed, experienced, and specifically trained in treating betrayal, trauma, addiction, and relationships.
About the Author
Allison Kennebeck is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Associate and a CSAT Canadiate. Allison helps individuals reconnect to their strengths, find forgiveness, and work through anger to discover peace.
