A Letter to Men Navigating Betrayal Trauma
If we could only escape the far-reaching effects of intimate betrayal.
It often emerges out of left field—either shattering the illusion of a perfect partnership or confirming the sneaking suspicion you’ve possibly been dismissing for weeks, months, maybe even years. Regardless of whether it was suspected, infidelity is far more common—and far more devastating—than any of us would wish.
But beyond the deeply personal pain, there's an additional layer of cultural complication: the world often doesn’t hold much space for betrayed men.
Why Don’t We Talk About Betrayed Men?
Maybe it’s the unhealthy pressure on men to keep quiet or compartmentalize their hurt. Maybe it's a self-fulfilling prophecy—because they rarely see support reflected back to them, they retreat even further.
But make no mistake: the lack of support is not due to lack of need.
I've worked with many men silently fighting battles on multiple fronts:
As I write this, I don’t (and can’t) speak for all men who walk this road—but I can name some common themes I’ve witnessed as a therapist. My hope is that by voicing some of these patterns, more men feel seen, and more voices begin to join the conversation.
The Perception of Failure
Woven into the fabric of society is a rigid script for masculinity:
Achieve. Provide. Succeed. Keep it together.
There’s little room for failure or vulnerability (← two very different things), and when either is shown, it’s often punished—whether through jokes, mockery, name-calling, or awkward avoidance.
You may have learned early on that any display of emotion is unacceptable (“Stop crying like a little girl!”). Messages like “suck it up” or “shove it down” teach you to disconnect from your feelings, to numb out, to never let them show. And over time, you may begin to equate any expression of hurt or need with failure.
Then Betrayal Strikes
Just as you've been trained to suppress vulnerability, betrayal arrives—one of the most disorienting, gut-wrenching blows a person can experience. The person you trusted and needed most has deeply hurt you, and you're left feeling some combination of: Destroyed, Angry, Shameful, Weak, Alone, and Incredibly sad.
Your response may take many shapes, or even a combination of several:
Anger Explosion
You yell or rage—releasing the pain in the only way you know how. But it’s often followed by shame for “losing control.”
Frantic Pleasing
You blame yourself. You try to fix things. You rush to action, shove down the pain, and focus on being what she needs—without any space to fail.
Break Down
Tears rise to the surface and you fall apart. And then comes shame’s voice, telling you off for being “too emotional” or “weak”.
Silent Resentment
You trap it all inside. Your pain festers into resentment, and isolation feels like the only option.
The Inner Tug-of-War
Whatever your outward reaction, there’s likely an internal battle between the real, raw emotions hitting your body and the pressure to “keep it together.”
This pressure isn’t exclusive to men—but what many of my male clients describe is a knee-jerk reaction to protect their partner from her own shame. They instinctively “shelf” their own feelings and focus on hers.
Some even recognize that their self-worth is tied to how well they can shield their partner from distress or insecurity. The brave face becomes a mask that protects both of you from uncertainty.
So, What Do You Do From Here?
If anything above resonates with you, hear this: nothing will change until your pain has a healthy channel.
Here’s what you need:
A Specialized Therapist
Someone who understands betrayal trauma and can help you unpack the layers of grief, anger, and confusion.
A Support Group
There is power in knowing you’re not alone. The right group will hold space for your experience, equip you with insight, and reduce isolation.
If you’re telling yourself, “I can do this on my own,” pause and ask:
Are you shelving your needs again just to appear ‘fine’?
What will it cost you to keep pretending everything is okay?
Numbing behaviors?
Distancing from loved ones?
Overworking?
Resentment?
A Note for Partners of Betrayed Men
If you're reading this as the partner of a betrayed man, and you’re feeling your own wave of emotion: there is hope for both of you.
No one here is “bad” or unworthy of healing. But for trust to be rebuilt, you both need support.
That looks like:
Individual therapy for each of you
Specialized couples therapy for the relationship
Together, you can start to break out of the cycles that quietly erode trust and connection.
Walking Forward, Together
As you each begin to do your inner work—his pain being heard with empathy, her shame being held with compassion—you’ll discover a new path forward. One where vulnerability represents courage and strength, and healing becomes something you do together.
You don’t have to keep walking alone; as you face your pain with support, true freedom lies ahead.
**This blog post was written by a cisgender female from observations of patterns in betrayed men in heterosexual relationships in an attempt to give voice to some of the unique pressures that may contribute to increased pain, shame, and difficulty navigating this trauma; there is a need for more resources for LGBTQ+ individuals and other underrepresented populations who experience the same devastation + additional unique intersections of trauma with very limited resources.
To find out if our programs are right for you, contact us for a free phone consultation. Our team of Certified Sex Addiction Therapists (CSAT) and Certified Partner Trauma Therapists (CPTT) are licensed, experienced, and specifically trained in treating betrayal, trauma, addiction and relationships.
About The Author
Kelsi Wilson is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Certified Partner Trauma Therapist, and couples therapist trained in Gottman Method, Level 1. Kelsi specializes in healing broken trust and helping couples and individuals build new secure bonds in their relationships.
