From Fighting to Fortifying: Understanding What’s Underneath the Tension
You and your partner have just had an argument, big or small, and your partner expresses their frustrations towards you in that moment. You start to experience the familiar sensations that come up in your body - your jaw gets tense, chest feels tights, palms get sweaty, or pressure is building up in your head and you want to escape. Does it sound familiar? Imagine you notice yourself struggling to find the “right thing to say” to say in response. Maybe you think “how did we wind up here again after the last time”, “anything I say right now won’t make a difference” or maybe even “there’s never any room for my feelings in these arguments”.
At the same time, your partner might be thinking “my feelings must not matter to them” or “maybe they’re hiding something by not responding”. Both of you are likely feeling a blend of anxiety, anger/frustration, confusion, and maybe even a sense of inadequacy. Especially when betrayal has taken place in the relationship, it can feel like this dynamic gets stuck in a vicious cycle that makes it feel near impossible to build trust again.
The Dance
All couples engage in cycles of interaction with one another that get stuck from time to time. Sue Johnson (founder of emotion-focused therapy) calls this kind of pattern a “dance” and explains that most of the time, fights escalate because of emotional disconnection. It’s not just about what is being said – it has a lot to do with the emotional needs that haven’t yet been identified in the undertone of the conversation. You may have recognized this in your own relationship if you and your partner seem to end up fighting about the same thing or in the same pattern, regardless of how the argument began.
According to attachment theory, we all have needs for connection, safety, consistency, acceptance, and to feel seen and heard. In our intimate relationships, we want to trust that our partner can help us fulfill these needs…but we’re not always aware ourselves in the moment of what needs feel like they aren’t being met. When we fail to identify and communicate our needs to one another, we eliminate a key component to repairing ruptures in the relationship.
Identifying & Responding to Attachment Needs
Here are some steps that can help you to pause, identify (and communicate) your needs, and begin to express openness and curiosity towards your partner’s needs from a more regulated position:
Pay attention to body sensations. We tend to go through so much of life without conscious awareness of what we are feeling inside our bodies. This means we might also be missing out on some important cues about our emotions. What is your body telling you when your hands go numb, lungs feel tight, shoulders tense up, etc.? What emotions might you be holding in those areas? Using mindfulness strategies such as slow breathing techniques can help you to slow down in the moment and take a second to ask yourself those questions.
Name the emotions and what’s behind them. Once you’ve slowed down enough to pay attention to those emotions…ask yourself: What beliefs might be coming up behind my thoughts? Do I hold any insecurities that have been triggered by this moment? Let’s go back to the earlier example – let’s say you have the thought: “there’s never any room for my feelings in these arguments”. This might reflect more than just what your partner is saying - maybe there is a need of your own that isn’t being expressed or perhaps even an insecurity that has been triggered. Are you needing to feel more valued? Reassured? Seen and heard? How might you reflect and try to fulfill that need to yourself first (before making a request of your partner)?
Communicate the need. Ownership of words and actions can go a long way in an argument with a partner. This is taken a step further by taking ownership of what is happening underneath your reactions. If you say to your partner: “I recognize that my anger towards you has been building up because I haven’t been feeling seen; I know I haven’t been open in communicating that to you”, it may come across better than: “you always make things about you and never let me get a word in”.
Listen and seek to understand your partner’s needs. Pausing to listen to yourself first and slowing down to regulate can open up more space for empathy and recognition that your partner might be in the same position and needing to express their own sense of disconnection. It might help to ask your partner the same things you ask yourself, such as: “how can I help you feel more reassured in this moment?” You might even try to name the cycle as it pops up and decide to remind one another when it’s time to slow down and do some self-reflection before coming back to the conversation.
Note: If it feels impossible to allow yourself to get curious about your partner’s needs at the same time as evaluating your own, maybe there is something more to understand about where that resistance is coming from (something that can be helpful to process in individual therapy).
Respond with increased accessibility, responsiveness, and engagement. This is a reminder that sometimes it doesn’t always matter as much what is being said, but rather how you are showing up to your partner.
When you engage in important conversations, does your body language/eye contact communicate that you are staying present, engaged, and attuned? Even if things don’t come to a full resolution, how can you finish the conversation with a reminder that you are still there for each other and want to invest in your relationship? This is an opportunity to discover what kind of actions help your partner feel more secure in their connection to you. Maybe it’s a simple expression of gratitude, a hand reached out, a hug extended, or a simple compliment. Talk with one another about what each of you needs to know at the end of the day so that you can continue to show up for one another and be consistent, even when things feel rocky.
It’s important to remember that your partner does not hold primary responsibility for fulfilling your needs nor do you hold primary responsibility for theirs. Each of us has a responsibility to try and honor our individual needs first and communicate them. The more attentiveness and care you learn to show yourself can give you even more capacity to show up with authenticity and clarity towards your partner.
Sometimes, we learn negative patterns or negative self-beliefs from relationship experiences earlier in life and unconsciously bring those burdens to the dynamic with a current partner. If you feel the need to explore and understand those patterns better, therapists trained in systemic, relational methods can help provide a safe space to navigate that healing for you and your relationship.
A Note on Betrayal
Expressing needs increases vulnerability in a relationship - and if the relationship doesn’t feel safe anymore for whatever reason, it can become difficult or near impossible to share needs openly. When betrayal takes place in a relationship, it takes away a sense of emotional safety for the partner who has been betrayed and the need for presence, consistency, and reassurance becomes even stronger.
Safety is built over time with trust, so if trust has been compromised in your relationship, be aware that some additional steps may need to take place before it’s safe to dive into the recommendations from this article. Setting up a foundation of emotional, physical, and psychological safety should be a priority before leaning into vulnerability. Meet with a trained therapist to help you know when you’re ready to dive into deeper emotional work and what steps to take first. It can take time to build up to, but there is hope for healing and support with the right resources and recommendations. Learning how to better recognize and apply healthy strategies of connection with your own needs and your partner’s can strengthen the repair process in your relationship, whether major betrayal has taken place or not.
There’s Hope Ahead
No matter where you’re starting from, cycles don’t change overnight. Breaking down a stubborn cycle is not as simple as the information in this blog and requires some work with a trained couples therapist to help you discern the needs underlying your current confusing patterns. It will take time, practice, and patience, but with the right tools and support, you can change the frustrating cycles into long-lasting patterns of connection that deepen over time.