Trauma-Informed Self-Care: What Actually Works
Do you ever find yourself more depleted after a day spent “relaxing” on the couch? Or notice waves of panic or dread after indulging in your favorite snack? If so, you are not alone.
Many people may find that the self-care often marketed should bring relaxation and peace, does not truly result in the relief or regulation sold to us. The bubble baths, vacations, or little “treats” you are giving yourself may offer brief pauses or relief, but if they do not feel they are shifting anything deeper, that is probably because they are not. And this is important information!
For trauma-impacted nervous systems, these forms of self-care sometimes miss the mark, which can be quite disempowering. Rather than giving up, understanding why these practices may not be cutting it—and how trauma-informed approaches can help—is the first step toward self-care that actually provides safety and connection.
Why Your Self-Care Isn’t Cutting It
The Same Old Self-Care Script
Raise your hand if you have watched a film scene where a distressed, disheveled character has finally had enough, and finds relief in a bubble bath and a glass of wine which magically washes away the stress from the past week. Or the one where the characters jet off to a relaxing beach vacation with massages complete with personal chefs.
…My hand has been raised this entire time.
And to be fair, Hollywood is not totally wrong. These little treats can offer temporary relief in our demanding lives. They can soothe and take the edge off, for a moment. The trouble is, these sporadic and one-off trips will not create long-lasting regulation. When the instant gratification fades, shame, guilt and frustration may seep in, layering on top of the dysregulation we were hoping to escape in the first place.
Understanding The Brain on Trauma (simply)
What is Happening?!
When we experience something highly stressful, our nervous system shifts into survival mode: fight, flight, freeze or fawn. Our sympathetic nervous system gets activated, flooding us with increased cortisol and adrenaline (cue the “I could flip a car right now” energy). In this state, we are primed to scan for danger, react quickly, and stay on high alert.
While this is happening our parasympathetic nervous system, the one in charge of “rest and digest”, takes the backseat. This makes it harder for us to slow down, and therefore return to feeling safe, think clearly, or rest, even after the threat has disappeared or passed.
Our Systems Get Stuck
Our ability to respond to stressors of this level is life-saving. However, for many, traumatic experiences can push us outside of our window to regulate and reset. We find ourselves stuck in drive without our parasympathetic nervous system, without rest - which is absolutely exhausting, depleting, and debilitating over long spans of time.
Protective Patterns Emerge
As the brain reorganizes itself around protection in this heightened state of activation, different parts of us may step up to help us survive. These patterns can show up in ways that feel confusing, reactive and unsustainable, especially when we do not understand why they are happening!
For example:
After finding out her partner has been seeing someone else, Miranda finds herself constantly scanning all her relationships (platonic & romantic) for signs of deception.
After returning to work following a frightening medical experience, Aiden notices himself snapping at his colleagues and partner, feeling on edge all the time, without knowing why.
These new adaptations are frustrating. However, they are not flaws but protective mechanisms set up by the sympathetic nervous system to keep surviving in its activated state.
Why This Matters for Self-Care
With the understanding that many forms of self-care we’re familiar with are aimed at taming symptoms, it becomes clearer why they fall short in the context of trauma. For impacted nervous-systems, self-care is not about taming or controlling, but about reconnection and re-establishment. Healing-focused self-care will focus less on immediate relief and shift more towards fostering safety, rebuilding trust with the mind and body, and widening the capacity to regulate over time.
Trauma-Informed Self-Care
From Reduction to Reconnection
Trauma-informed self-care is not about “fixing” yourself or finding the skill that makes the behavior disappear completely. It is about:
Rebuilding safety
Reconnecting with your body
Restoring our sense of trust and choice
We are changing self-care from a task checklist to something that becomes a long-term relationship with ourselves. A trauma-informed approach revolves around a few key features:
Safety
Empowerment
Trustworthiness
Collaboration
Choice
Through these avenues we can add more predictability, sustainability and peace to our day to day – offering more opportunities for positive brain connections!
Putting It In Practice!
Safety- Listening to the internal “stop sign”
Enhancing safety on a nervous-system level often begins with learning how to recognize the signs that point to our “no”. This internal stop sign is your body and mind providing critical information – not being dramatic – but cueing a need for protection.
These cues can show up in many ways, including:
Physical signs- Tension, shallow breathing, sweating, fatigue, headaches, and more
Psychological or emotional symptoms- anxiety, irritability, shutdown, feeling a need to dampen your personality or opinion
Social cues- Feeling unsupported, unseen, or unsafe in certain groups
Increased consciousness of the “stop signs”, provides information that something about this experience, idea, person, etc. does not align with the goal of increased safety or regulation. Trauma-informed self-care creates opportunity to pause and listen to these signs. Honoring this is powerful and a foundational step.
Empowerment: Small, sustainable shifts
I don’t know about you, but I have absolutely fallen victim to the “new year, new me” overhaul at least once or twice, only to find myself back at the starting point a few weeks later. No sweat there, and no overhauls required here!
Circling back to those protective parts and patterns we talked about earlier, it makes sense that small changes feel safer for the nervous system. Large, abrupt changes can create a shock to our system, while smaller adjustments allow for more progress through consistency over intensity. As humans, our nervous systems crave our homeostasis (or familiarity) - even when it is uncomfortable.. When there is an attempt to blow that balance apart (even if it’s well-intentioned), the system may often respond by snapping back or doubling down even harder. With smaller, sustainable shifts, we can ease our system into a gentle, soothing change.
For example, instead of rebranding our entire morning routine, a gentler, sustainable shift could be taking 3-5 slow breaths before checking our phone or practicing feeling the floor beneath our feet before we stand up out of bed. These small changes will signal safety to the system and build momentum without overwhelming it.
Trustworthiness: Creating predictability for ourselves
As we begin those small, sustainable shifts, we create the opportunity for routine and predictability. These are both things our activated nervous systems crave deeply! Each time we follow through on a commitment, we are proving to those protective parts that we can be relied on, even in moments of uncertainty.
This is exactly why we want to prioritize something realistic over grandiose. When we choose bite-sized changes, we give ourselves a long runway of success rather than a high-stakes hail mary. Over time, this consistency fosters self-trust. Repairing trust happens through follow-through. Each small act becomes evidence, you are showing yourself that: I am consistent, I am reliable, and I can be trusted. You are gently interrupting old patterns of survival and replacing them with new, safer ones.
Collaboration: Drawing on others
As humans, we are wired for connection. Our nervous systems are shaped in relationships since infancy, and they have the opportunity to heal best in relationships as well. Collaboration offers new avenues of regulation – new experiences and experiments of practicing personal safety and borrowing calm from another regulated nervous system. Through safe connection, we can experience grounding, reassurance, and safety, sometimes before we are able to give those to ourselves.
When exploring collaboration as a form of self-care, it is important to identify safe and supportive spaces. This may include:
Safe people, guided by our “stop sign”
Pets, who have a steady presence
Therapists, who provide intentional co-regulation and guidance
Support Groups
Collaboration does not mean codependency. Collaboration is an opportunity for support at a pace that feels respectful to your nervous system.
Choice: Reclaiming agency & autonomy
Throughout all of the practices above, a common thread emerges: the opportunity to reclaim choice. When the nervous system is stuck in “drive”, it can feel as though choice disappears as our brain makes split-second decisions for our survival.
Beginning to honor the “stop signs”, identify and experiment with small shifts, and place ourselves in safe places and relationships all help to cultivate our sense of agency. Choice becomes something accessible again, rather than something that feels far away or out of reach.
From here, boundaries can be set to further support safety. We gain clarity around which self-care practices actually work for our bodies and which do not. Communication strengthens by practicing naming limits, needs, and preferences. Trauma-informed self-care is about restoring the ability to choose ourselves with care and intention.
Embracing the Road to Healing
Beginning the journey toward healing can feel daunting, uncomfortable, or even a little scary. And that is completely normal–in fact, it’s expected! Much of the self-care that is marketed to us promises instant relief. For trauma-impacted nervous systems, the beginning of self-care may often feel uncomfortable, awkward, vulnerable or even, at times, activating. When rest has felt unsafe for so long, it will take time before it can once again feel nourishing or restorative.
The goal is not to become someone new or “fix” anything. Rather, this form of self-care invites you to create a space and routine for reconnection. Through small, sustainable shifts, honoring the stop signs, collaborating with supportive people, and practicing choice, reconnecting with ourselves becomes an intentional practice.
This practice lays the foundation of safety, allowing the nervous system to finally make room for the sympathetic nervous system to rest. Over time, these steps will foster regulation, trust, and authenticity within yourself and with others.