Boundaries After Betrayal - How to Begin Creating Safety
Creating Boundaries After Betrayal
Your world as you knew it has been shattered. Betrayal is more than a heartbreak- it is a trauma. Betrayal is one of the most destabilizing experiences a person can go through, shattering a reality and often making you question your own judgment. It has a way of breaking more than just trust- it disrupts how we see ourselves, others, and the safety of the world around us. In the aftermath of betrayal, all you want is to feel trust, safety, and security again, but it feels nearly impossible to get back. Where do I even begin?
Why Betrayal Makes Boundaries Essential
In the aftermath of a relational betrayal, your nervous system is left feeling vulnerable and exposed. After a betrayal, you might focus on if you can trust the other person again, but an equally important and often unasked question is “Do I trust that I can protect myself?”. Healthy boundaries communicate to your brain and body that protection is possible again.
When you experience relational trauma, you’ll almost certainly feel a spike of anxiety, hypervigilance, and less emotional safety. Your self-trust and intuition may feel lower, leaving you with feelings of confusion around your self-worth and personal value. It has been shown that up to 60% of betrayed partners experience symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) (reference 1). Emotionally withdrawing, over-accommodating, and disregarding your own needs are all normal responses to such a traumatic experience—but can also hinder your ability to truly heal. Setting clear boundaries isn’t about punishing the other person; it’s about restoring safety, security and self-respect in the aftermath of lost trust.
What Boundaries Are (and what they aren’t)
Personal boundaries are a guide for how we allow others to interact with us. Boundaries are the outcome of knowing your limits, what you accept, want and need, AND accessing your voice to make these known to others.
When boundaries are unhealthy or unpredictable, it can leave both you and your partner feeling unstable and unprotected in the relationship. Boundaries are not a way to control others, to manipulate, or a secretive way to create emotional distance. Boundaries are a loving and courageous way to clearly communicate your expectations of others in your life, your personal limits, and what kind of treatment you will and will not accept. Healthy boundaries are a way to create lifelong change, and enforcing boundaries are essential parts to redirecting the path of your relationships and finding protection without destruction.
Healthy vs. Unhealthy Boundaries
There are three main boundary tendencies- porous, rigid, and healthy.
Porous boundaries include oversharing, inability to say no, people-pleasing, conflict avoidance, accepting mistreatment, and neglect of one’s own needs. These patterns often show up when you have learned to keep people happy so that they’ll stick around.
Rigid boundaries include under-sharing, isolation, cutting people out, avoiding vulnerability and enforcing unnecessarily strict rules in relationships. This can show up when we are in high protection mode- maybe people haven’t been safe or predictable in your life, and you feel that you can’t truly rely on anyone outside of yourself
Healthy boundaries include clarity on your values, listening to both your opinion and others, having healthy vulnerability with those who have earned your trust, being comfortable in saying no, and being comfortable with hearing no.
Boundaries for After Betrayal
Betrayal can uproot your world, and it will take more than one conversation or one rule to heal that wound. Below are some examples of different types of boundaries that help protect your internal peace.
Emotional boundaries:
Limiting emotionally charged conversations until you feel regulated
Pausing conversations that escalate
Setting limits around arguments (no name calling, no yelling, no slamming doors, etc)
Refusing to engage in conversations that include blameshifting or minimization of your experience
Physical boundaries:
Taking a break from physical intimacy until trust and emotional safety can be truly restored
Defining your personal space; this might include having “safe zones” in the home where you can be undisturbed in triggering moments.
Setting expectations around what affection you feel comfortable with
Why Boundaries Are Especially Hard After Betrayal
Many people after experiencing betrayal struggle to set boundaries, even when they know they need them. You might feel afraid of creating more conflict, feeling more disconnected. Maybe you feel guilty for “asking for too much”. Maybe you’re doubting your own judgment, or you just want things to return to normal as quickly as possible.
A natural fear at this time is… “But if I set a hard boundary, will they just leave? Will they seek comfort somewhere else?”
After everything you’ve just been through, the deep instability that you feel is your nervous system begging you to maintain stability and attempt to find stability. This can sometimes look like a spike in people-pleasing or permissiveness. If you’re feeling any of these, I want to reaffirm to you that it is absolutely normal, you are not alone, and there are tools to get you back to feelings of safety and security in relationships. Remind yourself that healthy boundaries are the best way to healthy closeness—as long as there is commitment on both sides to restore safety.
A Communication Framework
If you are feeling comfortable and empowered to set a boundary, but don’t know how to deliver it…
Name the boundary- “I need honesty without defensiveness when discussing the betrayal.”
Explain the purpose- “This helps me to feel safe and supported.”
State the action- “If this isn’t respected, I will stop engaging in the conversation and revisit in the future.”
Non-negotiable Boundaries
While boundaries are put in place to protect you in a general sense, you also have the power to determine which boundaries are non-negotiable for you to remain in the relationship. There are some boundaries that can have flexibility and collaboration, and there are also non-negotiable boundaries you can implement that have no “wiggle room”.
Examples could be…
No contact with a former affair partner of any kind.
Disclosure in 48 hours if there are slip ups/deceit/relapse.
Partner regularly attending individual therapy.
What sets these specific boundaries apart is that if they are not being followed, it will likely jeopardize your feelings of safety and willingness to continue healing as a couple.
When Someone Doesn’t Respect Your Boundaries
Even if you set clear and concise boundaries, that doesn’t guarantee your partner will respect them. In the case that they aren’t being respected, you have options on how to respond next.
Re-state your boundary clearly (“I am not comfortable with that, please stop”)
Communicate the impact (“When you raise your voice, I no longer feel safe in this conversation and shut down”)
Enforce consequences of not respecting boundaries (walk away, end the call, etc.)
Seek support from a therapist or loved ones
Boundaries that are repeatedly ignored deter emotional safety from being restored, and will increase anxiety and resentment in the relationship. Both individual and couples therapy can help you gain confidence and assurance in boundary work by identifying personal limits, practicing communication skills, and supporting both relational repair and personal healing. Attending a structured boundaries workshop can be a great way to get real tools and practice in a short amount of time—something that can be invaluable when time is of the essence.
Setting boundaries after betrayal is not about closing your heart to your partner, it’s about protecting it while it heals. Consistent and clear boundaries are a crucial part of rebuilding trust both in yourself and within the relationship, and being able to move forward in healing with confidence and self respect. If you are struggling to identify or maintain boundaries after betrayal, you don’t have to navigate it alone. The Haven offers tailored trauma-informed therapy to assist you in rebuilding emotional safety and creating healthier habits while meeting you exactly where you’re at.
References
Lonergan, M., Brunet, A., Rivest-Beauregard, M., & Groleau, D. (2021). Is romantic partner betrayal a form of traumatic experience? A qualitative study. Stress and health : journal of the International Society for the Investigation of Stress, 37(1), 19–31. https://doi.org/10.1002/smi.2968
